I've never been good at biting my tongue. In fact, I have this horrible tendency toward being a bit too honest, and letting people know when something bothers me. Sometimes it gets me in trouble.
Years ago, after serving a number of years in the 82nd, I found myself assigned as the S-3 Schools NCOIC for 50th Signal Battalion. Although I was a staff puke riding a desk, I quickly discovered that "you can take the soldier out of the 82nd, but you can't take the 82nd out of the soldier". Even as a young Private in the 82nd I had been encouraged to speak my mind, and be aggressive. Those traits became ingrained in me.
During my tenure at 50th Signal Battalion, we got a new Battalion XO. His name is not important; what's important is that he quickly developed a reputation for being hard-nosed, outspoken, and aggressive. Officers treated him with obsequience, NCO's feared him, and the soldiers, for the most part, tried to avoid him. In the vernacular, this guy would "eat your lunch".
One of this Major's first tasks was to write a new policy. I don't remember exactly what the policy was, except that it really annoyed me. I had discussed it privately with several of the senior NCO's (it's worth mentioning that I was the most junior in rank), and the consensus was unilateral: it was a bad idea.
A few days later, the XO dropped into the office (a big open room with grey government desks neatly lined up in rows). He planted himself in front of my desk, surveyed the room, and began asking people what they thought of the new policy. Response after response either acquiesced to his position, or praised it outright as people withered under his mighty presence.
He nodded thoughtfully while accepting this glowing feedback, then looked me right in the eye and said, "What do you think, Sergeant Mooers?"
Drat! I'm on the spot, and on the hook for an answer. Now, I know I should either agree, or make a polite excuse to not say anything, but I have years of training coupled with my distaste for sycophants working against me.
"Can I speak freely, sir?" I responded.
"Always!" he blurted as if insulted that I would even ask.
"Well, sir, it's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever seen."
His eyebrows went up in disbelieve, and I decided I had better make a hasty explanation if I wanted to keep my chevrons, so I continued.
"You have to think about what you're doing to the soldiers. Sure, it will make your job easier, but you're really screwing the soldiers down on the line."
The room grew uncharacteristically quiet as those around me waited to watch me be devoured whole by this man. Certainly he would put me in my place -- this young punk who dared question his judgment.
"You know, " he said, "I never thought about it that way, but you're right." Then he actually smiled.
From that point on, my word was gold with this man, and we ultimately became staunch allies if not friends (assuming, of course, that friendship might exist between a field grade officer and an NCO).
Years later, that aggressive honesty came through again, much to the chagrin of my wife, while we were negotiating the purchase of a car from a dealership. We had been haggling for a while, and found ourselves in a bit of a stalemate.
It's pretty common for car salesmen to bring in the "Sales Manager" when they are having a tough time closing the deal. The problem with that, is that I don't respond well to the high pressure sales tactics. I especially don't respond well when I don't like the "Sales Manager".
After negotiating with this guy for 5 minutes or so, I decided I'd had enough.
"You know, " I told him, "we have a problem. We have a personality conflict."
"A personality conflict?" he asked.
"That's right. I don't like you, and I want you to leave. If you don't, I will."
Although my wife was embarrassed, he did leave, and we ended up getting the deal we wanted on the vehicle.
I wish I could say I've never gotten myself into trouble with my, um, "honesty". I wish I could say that, but it wouldn't be true. I've gotten myself into a fair number of jams (and indeed, I may be in one even as I write this), but I guess all's well that ends well. At least I can look at myself in the mirror.
Regardless of whether you agree with my approach, or just think I'm a jerk with no tact, you can be assured that you'll always know exactly where you stand with me, and exactly how I feel. Now please don't ask me if I think you look fat in those pants.
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3 comments:
Yeah, I can side with your thoughts. I too like to say what's on my mind, and to the most part my comments are appreciated - no one likes a kiss-ass-yes-sir-type. However, I have been known to upset the (ahem) sensitive types all too often.
After reading Dale C's How to Win Friends and Influence people, I have established a better approach to laying it on the line. Sure I still speak my mind, but instead of saying "you're stupid, go away and stop wasting my time", I tend to say things like "you may have a point, but I would have to argue against it". I found this has worked great when dealing with credit card customer support, cable Internet technicians, and a whole host of other people I'd rather not be spending my time talking with.
BTW, I love your line to the sales person, if you don't mind I'd like to file that one away for use next time I get that annoying person trying to sell me something I obviously do not want, or for an inflated price.
Interesting thought process but I will say this. Those that say whatever comes to their mind are usually considered "simple" or "rude" at best. Being right is only half of the battle. The other half is finding the appropriate way to convince the other party to see your point of view.
Let us take the example of a woman asking you how she looks in a dress. She does not need you to point out her physical faults because she already knows them all too well. You need to engage your emotional insight here and understand that the woman wants affirmation that you are willing to overlook any faults she has and tell her she looks great. She wants you to subtly state to her that you care for her feelings enough to blind yourself to her physical faults. If you say, "that dress makes you look like a black pumpkin" you only show the woman two things. One is that you cannot analyze situations on anything but the most superficial of levels. Two that you do not care enough about her feelings to say something pleasant.
The advice you are giving out here is very dangerous. You may encourage people to say things that will have negative results they cannot reverse. I encourage everyone to take Ed’s experience with a grain of salt. Such confrontation style honesty rarely nets positive results. The reason all of the other officers kept their mouth shut was not that they were dumb! Rather, they have learned from experience that Ed’s method rarely gets the desired result.
My comment is for Anton, not for Ed. I notice that your comment was made more than a year after the cruise we all went on. Is it possible that in that year you have learned something about women? I distinctly remember you telling me that I look too much like my brother and that any man who had met my brother would have a hard time dating me because they would only be able to see my brother (I'm paraphrasing a little, but that was the gist of your comments). Now you are saying that you shouldn't say such things to girls? Hrm, interesting...
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